Confession

Early warning: This blog may get personal and raw. Those of a nervous disposition, or who feel uncomfortable with people talking about emotions should look away now.
Those of you who care about me, or who are just plain nosey - read on.

The confirmation service last night was everything I had hoped for and more. When I said I was feeling spiritually dry, that was only part of the story. Truth is, for a while i've felt like I've been struggling on so many fronts, spiritualy, emotionally, professionally. The problem with ministry is that it doesn't have the same boudaries as secular work. You can't leave work at home; if you are struggling spiritually, your work suffers, and there is a lot more self identity at stake. If something is not going well, everything gets knocked.
And I have been struggling - one of my Churches seems really disappointed with me, relationships are fraying, I'm feeling frustrated, unworthy and like I'm failing. And as much as i try and rationalise, to see the big picture, to recognise that people's expectations were too high or that I'm not God and can't achieve everything, there is still that niggling doubt at the back of my mind. What if my critics are right? What if I'm just not good enough?

This has been compounded by other youthwork related things - offhand comments from people I look up to that have been unintentional, off the cuff, but that have wounded me. Me being shy - which normally I manage to hide and get over - but recently i seem to have had a spate of foot in mouth hide me in the corner and ground swallow me up moments. Again I've been left feeling that I don't have an opinion worth hearing, and that even if I do I don't want to say anything for fear of it coming out wrong and looking foolish.

And how have i reacted to this? Mostly by switching off. I've not blogged, so I've not had to think. I've avoided people and situations that could be painful, I've busied myself so I don't have time to think, I've avoided God, and guess what - it hasn't worked. I also became lower, and more tired and more stressed- to the point where alarm bells were starting to go off - and I knew I had to start addressing things, but just didn't feel I had the resources to do so.

I reached crisis point a few days ago, when a dear friend twigged within minutes what was wrong, and was able to put me right on a few things. Other people will always have opinions of me that might not be what I would wish, that comes with ministy. But the one opinion of me that counts is God's, and that is the one opinion I had put to one side. Of course i know in my head the 'how God sees you,' speil - I'm a youthworker, for goodness sake, I deal with people who have low self esteem on almost a daily basis! But somehow, I needed it to sink in. Of course, having avoided God, I've been ministering in my own strength (hate that phrase, but can't better it just now) and getting things wrong, and feeling worse about myself.

So I've started reconnecting with God, if I am feeling spiritually dry, I'm the only person who can take responsibility for that and do something about it. And God's been talking back.
When we had a time of confession, as I prayed, I had a picture in my minds eye. It was of an anatomical heart, connected at the base, but ripped open down the middle. I knew the pain I had been in was in that picture, and as I confessed bad attitudes, anger and division with individuals, the heart 'zipped' up. The words that follwed were these:
" You bring pardon and peace to the broken in heart
Christ have mercy - Christ have mercy.

You make one by your spirit the torn and divided
Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy."

There is hope yet!

Another great moment was that the bishop invited the congregation to use the water in the font to cross themselves to remind themselves of their own baptism. I took the opportunity to do so after communion, and as I re committed myself to Christ, the words "Christ claims you for his own," echoed round my head. I was reminded by something i once read by Mike pivilivichivichichivhi (or however you spell it!) He was pondering how differently people would treat you if when you got baptised God opened heaven up and said " n you are my child, and I'm really pleased with you" He then went onto point out that actually, Jesus has said exactly that through his death and resurrection. Post communion, this was really helpful, and some of the notion that God loves even me sank in a bit.

This was the prayer after communion, which I have stuck on my mirror to pray every day, because every word resonates.
"God of mercy,
by whose grace alone we are accepted
and eqipped for your service;
stir up in us the gifts of your Holy Spirit
and make us worthy of our calling;
that we may bring forth thr fruits of the spirit
in love and joy and peace;
Through Jesus Christ our Lord
Amen."

I'm still feeling a bit vulnerable and weak, but I think now I am more preapred to face some of the hard conversations and decisions I need to, because for the first time in months, i feel like God's the one with the steering wheel, the map and the compass.